


He’s a Vegetarian and I’m Not Scared of F*cking Him… Wait Let Me Try That Again

by JoyHeart



Category: Dungeons and Daddies (Podcast)
Genre: Cooking, Domesticity, Established Relationship, Humour, M/M, Mentions of kink, Mentions of sexual relations, Nothing explicit, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Prompt Fic, avoiding vegetables, del close is canon, forcing your lover to eat vegetables, sort of cracky in places
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:34:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28554699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyHeart/pseuds/JoyHeart
Summary: Henry has been dating Glenn for a while, and he loves him dearly, but is absolutely convinced that Glenn isn't eating enough vegetables. Therefore Henry's quest to make Glenn like vegetables commences, and he and Glenn may find out something about Henry along the way.
Relationships: Glenn Close/Henry Oak, Henry Oak/Mercedes Oak-Garcia
Kudos: 17





	He’s a Vegetarian and I’m Not Scared of F*cking Him… Wait Let Me Try That Again

**Author's Note:**

> Filling a prompt for a teen bean in the discord, this one for glennery, making glenn eat vegetables so... here's this! It got sexy I'm so sorry.

**He’s a Vegetarian and I’m Not Scared of Fucking Him… Wait Let Me Try That Again**

“Open up, here comes the train!”

“Henry, I’m thirty years old and I’m not into age play.”

Henry whined as Glenn folded his arms and glared at him. “Come on Glenn, it’s just broccoli! It’s good for you! You know the doctor said you’re gonna get scurvy if you don’t start eating more vegetables!”

The two of them were currently seated at Glenn’s kitchen table. Henry had offered to cook for Glenn, to even bring over the ingredients himself. Glenn had been all for it until he realised that Henry had made a vegan dinner. Why he didn’t think that his vegan boyfriend would cook a vegan meal for him was a little uncertain, but while Glenn did consent to eating the vegan garlic bread and pasta, he was drawing the line at the vegetable side dishes and that was driving Henry crazy to the point of trying to feed the man off of his own plate.

“See, this is why I never bothered going to the doctor before! Besides the fact that since I’m self-employed I have to buy into a ‘health care’ plan, they just tell you stupid stuff about how you need to change your diet! I’m doing just-” a wad of spit got caught in Glenn’s throat and he burst into a coughing fit for half a minute before choking out, “fine. I’m fine.”

“Well you don’t sound fine, Mister. Come on, just one bite! For me? Please?”

“Henry, I love you. I make compromises for you. I make sure I order you a veggie option when we order Chinese. I even had Del make you veggie dumplings when you invited us to yours and Mercedes’ potluck. I respect that you won’t eat meat, so you gotta respect I don’t eat veg, man. It’s called give and take, you know?”

“It’s not the same thing, Glenn!”

“Oh yeah? How so?” Glenn asked loftily as he soundly pushed the side dish of broccoli further away from him. Henry let out an irritated huff that Glenn found pretty adorable, but this was not the time to act on the drive to peck his boyfriend on the lips. It would send the wrong message.

“A human can live a long, healthy life without eating meat, provided they eat plenty of nuts and such for extra protein, and maybe take vitamin A supplements sometimes. But humans NEED vegetables, or they get scurvy! Or rickets! Or other diseases that should be eradicated except SOME people won’t eat their broccoli!”

“Whatever man! I don’t need you telling me what I can and can’t eat! I’m not joining your fucking vegan cult!” Glenn snapped, then winced as he saw Henry flinch. “Sorry, too far. Ah… fuck, fine. ONE bite, and that’s it!” Glenn grumbled, opening his mouth wide and letting Henry brighten and shove a piece of hot veg into his mouth where he chewed and swallowed as fast as possible, burning the back of his throat in the process.

“Good, right?” Glenn continued to glare and Henry frowned, taking a bite himself and humming in satisfaction. Then he bit his lip. “Okay, fine. Maybe you’re not a broccoli guy. But you should at least drink orange juice or, or SOMETHING! If I brought you some freshly squeezed orange juice, would you drink it for me?”

Glenn rolled his eyes as he took another bite of pasta. “Well that’s better than stinking broccoli I guess.”

Henry pouted and leaned in close to his broccoli. “It’s okay guys, I still love you.”

“Kind of fucked up you’d say that to something you’re going to eat.”

“Hey, Glenn?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Shut your gosh darn diggity dang mouth.”

“Alright, that’s it!” Glenn snapped, jumping to his feet, grabbing Henry by the ears and pulling him in for a kiss. That hippie had no right being as cute as he was, it almost made putting up with all his veganism and holier-than-though environmental and healthy lifestyle preaching worthwhile.

But Henry was never going to make him like vegetables. Not a chance.

As Glenn released Henry and went back to his food, however, Henry was already coming up with a devious plan to prove Glenn wrong. Glenn would not get scurvy as long as Henry was around. No way no how no sir.

*

As per negotiations with Mercedes, Glenn got Henry on Tuesdays and Fridays. Tuesdays for date night because gigs weren’t typically booked on Tuesdays, and Fridays so Henry could play the supportive boyfriend at the more high profile gigs and watch Glenn play, even if sometimes he would have to retreat from the loud concert hall into the greenroom halfway through to calm down and wait to congratulate Glenn and tell him he wished he could’ve listened longer but his sick beats were just too much for him. Glenn always liked to hear that.

It wasn’t that unusual for Henry to have healthy snacks waiting for Glenn and the band by the time they got back to the green room after the show. While the rest of the Glenn Close Trio would happily descend on the veggies and hummus, Glenn would munch on some crackers and sneak a bag of jerky out of his jacket pocket and Henry would usually pretend not to notice.

However, after the Broccoli Incident (though incident was a bit too strong a word, Henry still thought about it a lot and so thought it deserved a title), Henry decided to get more creative with his attempts to make Glenn eat a vegetable. He had managed fruit juice. Glenn had plugged his nose and chugged a glass of orange juice and had agreed to do that once a day to ‘stave off scurvy’ since apparently he bothered to look it up and got scared about losing his hair and teeth. But it definitely wasn’t enough as far as Henry was concerned.

While coaxing Glenn into eating fruit would probably not be too hard, he wasn’t a huge fan of sweet things but he would eat a banana if asked, that did not a healthy diet make. Fruits were high in sugar, and Henry… well. Honestly, what bothered Henry the most was just the fact that as long as Glenn refused to eat any vegetables, Henry would never be able to cook him the dinners he wanted to. Henry loved cooking! It was frustrating that his boyfriend, as caring and funny as he was, was so dead set on avoiding a healthy lifestyle!

It had to be psychological. Vegetables tasted so good! If Glenn just gave them a chance and really chewed on one for a bit, surely he would realise that!

So this time when Glenn came back to the greenroom and grabbed his jerky out of his jacket pocket, Henry watched at a distance as he popped a piece in his mouth and chewed with his eyes closed, preparing to savour the meaty flavour.

Instead he would be first hit with salt, and then the sweetness of a dried butternut squash. Henry had used a lot of food dye to get it to look at meat jerky at a glance, hoping that Glenn would be too tired from his concert to really check it out before eating it, and sure enough the man had fallen into Henry’s vegetable trap.

He chewed once, twice, then made a face and spat the jerky out onto the floor.

“Aw, come on!” Henry whined as Glenn started rubbing his tongue on his shirt sleeve.

“Gross! Guys, I think my jerky went off! This shit’s nasty as hell!”

“No it’s not!” Henry stamped his foot. “It’s delicious butternut squash jerky, and I worked really hard on it! It tastes good!”

Glenn’s head slowly turned toward Henry and his eye started twitching even as his bandmate wandered over and tried a bite himself.

“Yeah, this is pretty good, actually,” said the bandmate.

“SHUT UP, STEVE!” Glenn snapped and then rounded back on Henry. “Henry, where’s my beef jerky?”

“Uuuuuuh,” Henry did not expect Glenn to look this murderous.

“Where. Is. My. Beef. Jerky?”

“I, uh, put it away!”

“Oh yeah?” Glenn’s mouth twisted into a too-wide grin as he got in close to Henry’s face so they breathed the same air. He twirled a finger into Henry’s curls in just the way that drove him nuts, but he had to stay strong! “Where?”

“W-why do you need to know?”

“I need it!”

Henry’s cheeks puffed up. “Nuh uh, no way Mister! I’m not going to let you put a bunch of fat and salt into your body after a high energy performance like that with no Vitamins! You need vegetables!”

Glenn’s eyes brightened as his grin turned into a snarl. “Meat tastes good!”

“Vegetables taste good!”

“YOU TELL ME WHERE MY JERKY IS, MAN! You can’t just take away the things I love!”

“Things you LOVE? I’m your BOYFRIEND! Your extremely vegan boyfriend who spends a lot of time making healthy food so you stay alive longer so I don’t lose you!” Henry’s cheeks flushed and his glasses fogged in front of his suddenly watery eyes. “I don’t want the things you love to hurt you in the long run because you d-don’t want to try the things I love…”

As soon as Glenn registered the tears on Henry’s face, he stopped and dragged a hand over his own, counting up and down from ten twice before he was able to calm himself down. “Look. I… appreciate that you’re just trying to… god. Henry, you’re always the one telling me it’s unethical to trick someone into eating something they don’t want to, right? For all you know, I might’ve been allergic to butternut squash!”

Henry’s eyes went huge and he started to shake. “O-o-o-oh my god you’re right? I shouldn’t have… that was a terrible thing to do!” He looked over at Glenn’s bandmates who were shovelling the rest of the squash jerky into their faces at the speed of light. “You guys, neither of you is allergic to- oh, that’s a thumbs up. Okay, that’s a relief.” Henry looked back at Glenn and now his tears were flowing fast and free. “Glenn, I’m so sorry! I just, I’m feeling kind of desperate over here! I know you’re drinking orange juice now, but your eating habits are really bad, and I d-don’t want you to get sick…”

Glenn let out a very heavy sigh and pulled Henry toward him. Glenn didn’t like to hug often, preferring to show physical affection through affirmative hand, arms and shoulder squeezing and pecks on the face. But he knew that sometimes Henry, like Nick, just really needed a hug. He held the man as he sobbed into his shirt for a minute, trying to focus on the moment and not let his mind wander around like it normally liked to do in these situations to escape what was happening.

Finally Henry recovered himself enough to pull away from Glenn, wiping his eyes with his fingers under his smeared lenses. “Th-thanks, Glenn. I’m sorry I tried to trick you. I just-”

“I know, you’re a worry wart,” Glenn shook his head, knowing what he had to do and dreading it. Solemnly, he walked to the table Henry had set his usual post-concert spread on. He grabbed a carrot stick, drowned it in hummus, and shoved it in his mouth where he chewed and swallowed, making a face as he did so. “There. Better?”

Henry snivelled. “A little.”

“Do you want me to eat a celery, too?”

“Yes please.”

“This is the weirdest kink ever, you know that right?”

“It’s not a kink, it’s good for you!”

“Who said kinks aren’t good for you?”

“GLENN!”

*

After The Jerky Incident (that one had more earned the Incident title), Glenn did actually make the effort the eat vegetables occasionally when Henry was around. He took pains to show how much he hated every second a plant was in his mouth and made jokes about how Henry was getting off to the sound of veggies crunching in his boyfriend’s mouth, but if that’s the price Henry had to pay to get Glenn to eat a bit better then he would put up with it. He had a feeling it was mostly exaggerated for effect anyway.

Still, while things were a bit better, Henry still really wished he could get Glenn to _want_ to eat vegetables. If he could just find one vegetable that Glenn would eat willingly and happily, Henry just knew he would sleep easier at night.

So with Glenn a little more willing to eat vegetables than he had been before, Henry started trying him on new ones.

“Yech,” said Glenn when Henry put a piece of zucchini bread in his mouth while they were spooning in bed together (this did not help back up Henry’s claims about this not being a kink and also it got crumbs in the bed).

“Yuck,” said Glenn when Henry convinced him to try one of his rutabaga chips while they were cuddled on the sofa watching cult classic TV show Bones. He did eat the sweet potato fries when Henry dragged him to a vegan restaurant, but he didn’t seem to like the healthier version Henry made for him a few days later back at his place, so that didn’t feel like much victory.

“Gross, dude,” said Glenn with a frown as Henry used some mashed chick peas in a way that most respectable recipe websites would not recommend. “This really is a kink for you isn’t it? Damn that means my jokes aren’t funny anymore. Though if it helps, I think I’m getting kind of off on eating this shit I hate just cause you like it so much.”

“GLENN STOP MAKING THIS WEIRD!”

“Henry, this was weird the second you took your clothes off and then opened the fridge. You gotta stop fighting this dude. I’m never going to actually like eating a vegetable. Just accept it and get your kicks out of making me do something I don’t like for you. That’s what I’m doing, and I think it’s going pretty well.”

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT, GLENN!”

“You’re cute when you’re angry.”

“GAH!”

*

Eventually, Henry gave up on trying to find a vegetable Glenn would enjoy. It was clearly pointless, and he had to simply accept that for Glenn, vegetables would never be anything more than an inconvenience he had to consume to stay alive.

It was heart breaking, but it wasn’t a deal breaker. Henry would just have to adapt. At the very least, on the Tuesday nights when Henry would cook for Glenn he could make one straight vegetable side dish and Glenn would at least have to eat a small portion of it. It was the best he was going to get.

On one seemingly normal date night, Henry decided to get a little fancy, frying up some asparagus in canola oil and seasoning it with paprika. He set it on Glenn’s plate, steadfastly ignoring his tight lips as he went back to the stove to get the veggie burger and onions he had sizzling there. By the time he got back to the table, the asparagus was gone and Glenn, miraculously, was licking his lips and snagging a few extra from the serving plate. When he saw Henry staring at him, mouth agape, Glenn dropped the asparagus like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Uh…” Glenn looked down at the vegetables and back at Henry’s rapidly tearing face with growing discomfort until he finally folded his arms and looked away with a dark blush painting his cheeks. “It’s… pretty good, I guess. For a vegetable. And I was working out today so I was extra hungry! And the burgers were taking so long- mmph!” Glenn was cut off as Henry slammed his mouth over his with all the force of a freight train, knocking Glenn out of his chair. He grabbed Henry to drag him down with him, which led to Henry kicking the table leg, making the collapsible table, well, collapse.

So much for dinner, but Henry couldn’t bring himself to care as he peppered greasy, oily kisses all over his wonderful, frustrating boyfriend’s face.

“You liked it! You really liked it!”

“Yeah, I did! Get off me before the burger juice soaks through my jeans!”

Henry’s smile of joy immediately took on a different edge as he rubbed his long nose temptingly alongside Glenn’s own. “Hm, oh boy, we better take those off before it stains, huh?”

Glenn groaned, his head falling back on the linoleum floor with a thump. “Oh my god, Henry…”

“Okay, fine! Maybe it IS a kink, I don’t know!”

“It’s okay, Henry. I’m into it. Long as you can admit it to yourself, babe.”

“Why am I like this?”

“I dunno, but I love you anyway.”

“I love you too. Let’s order a pizza. Actually, let’s do two personal pizzas. One vegan one pepperoni, and I just won’t kiss you the rest of the night, okay?”

“Compromise accepted. But that leaves us thirty minutes of kissing before the pizza gets here.”

“That’s what I’m counting on.”

*

Henry was inexplicably elated by the discovery that Glenn was willing to eat properly spiced asparagus. He bragged about it to Darryl and Ron, neither of whom understood what the big deal was, though Darryl could at least acknowledge how happy Henry was and congratulated him. He bragged to Mercedes of course, who gave him a big hug and a kiss and played a ten minute recording of the sound of the wind on her radio show to show solidarity and celebration.

He bragged to Lark and Sparrow, who seemed largely indifferent. He bragged to Nick, who told him to stop ruining his dad and immediately demanded Glenn take him to McDonalds. He bragged to the rest of the geology department at the San Dimas museum and they smiled politely, which he took as encouragement.

At the next Oak-Garcia garden party, Henry invited the whole clan of neighbours and friends from the area, including Glenn and Nick, of course, and insisted they invite Del along too.

Del had brought her standard veggie dumplings that Glenn had recommended the last couple times she had shown up to these things, and she had dumped them in a plastic container at the end of the buffet table and immediately tried to vanish into the crowd to take stealthy photos of vegans to send to her group chat for judgement, but Henry caught up to her before she could escape.

“Hey Del, great of you to join us! I see you brought those dumplings you did up last time, always a big hit with me and Mercedes, boy howdy. How have you been?”

“Um, I’m okay I guess. Shouldn’t you be kissing your wife or something?”

“Oh I just did a minute ago. I’m going to find Glenn in a second to get him too, but first, just wondered if you’d want to hear some good news!” Henry didn’t wait for a response. “I finally got Glenn to eat vegetables!”

“What?”

“I mean, okay. So he WAS eating vegetables before, kind of. Usually I had to disguise them, or use like, less healthy ones, or he wouldn’t like them. But the other day I made him some fried asparagus with paprika, and he really liked it! Even got seconds!”

“Uh, Henry? Glenn-”

“I know, right? I was shocked too! I mean, I know asparagus is good! But Glenn hates carrots and butternut squash and all that stuff, can barely choke it down! But he loved it so much… I can give you the recipe if you want! It’s really simple, and I just want Glenn to eat vegetables, you know, even when I’m not around.”

Del was quiet for a second, then snorted. “Dude, Glenn eats vegetables.”

“Uh… what?”

“Like, he doesn’t tend to _love_ them, but he knows if you don’t eat veggies you die. What, you thought just cause he didn’t eat them around you it meant he didn’t eat them?”

“But… but he always acts like he hates them!”

“Probably to wind you up, he’s like that.”

“But his doctor said he needs to eat more vegetables!”

“Dude, doctors ALWAYS say that in California. Also Glenn probably tried to wind the doctor up too and lied about how much he ate, knowing him. He eats a normal amount of vegetables, I promise.”

Henry stared into space as his world view shifted in a very upsetting direction. “But he never ate any vegetables I brought, even if I made them into jerky or something… he always complained if there was a vegetable.”

“Dude, you’re vegan, aren’t you? Isn’t technically most of what you eat some kind of vegetable? Was he complaining about EVERYTHING or just like, the obvious stuff like broccoli?”

Henry pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes in thought for a second. Then his hands clenched into fists and he scanned the crowd until he saw Glenn at the end of the buffet shoving veggie dumplings in his mouth as fast as possible until he looked up and spotted Henry making eye contact with him while standing next to Del who had a giant, shit-eating grin on her face.

“Ooh fu-gdsck,” Glenn mumbled through a mouthful of dumpling and started running.

“GLENN YOU RASCAL! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO ME LIKE THAT!”

Glenn swallowed hard as he kept running. “I DIDN’T WANT TO SHAME YOUR KINK, DUDE!”

Henry’s ensuing scream of rage would stay with those party-goers for years to come as truly a thing of legend.


End file.
